Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
