You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
