I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
