Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
