Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
