just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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