at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
