plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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