she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
