I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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