Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
