hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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