is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I need a hoe opinion
go on
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
