Welp...herpes.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
