i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize