i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
