when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
