peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
