nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
