dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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