I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
