it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
