I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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