Your dad touched me again.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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