First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
