I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize