I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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