I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
