My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
