oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
