Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize