What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
