I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
