I need to stop coming to work sober
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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