I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
