Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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