Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
