We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
