Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
