if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
