mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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