On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
