Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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