Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
