Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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