i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
