I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
