I hate your face
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
