seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
