my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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