8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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