On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
