Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
