Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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