im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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