You made me cry and you don't even care
I have demons in me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
