I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize