My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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