apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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