My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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