wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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